JUST HOW IT IS FOR NOW..

Still alive and fighting... As most of you know I had little to no success with the epidural block for my 

neck...during the last 5 months i have had a 20 pound weight gain.. Due to little to no ability to exercise due to pain .. The second shot set off new pain.. Its been tough and my eating has been anything but stellar   A vicious Circle .. 

But i  am here alive and working on revamping and taking care of myself.. I will not  gain the rest of it back and i am still nearly 30 pounds ahead .. Time to get busy.. I started making use of my galaxy 5 health apps... For logging   Food and walking ..i also am using my fitness pal a little ... I like my phones better... It is a little different..  

THE THINGS I WISH PEOPLE HAD TOLD ME.... PAIN AND HEALING..

 I GUESS .. every journey REALLY must be self taught... each of us as unique individuals experiences life on our own terms..  so perhaps its is foolish to want others to give you an idea of what to expect ...

PAIN...  we hear so many stories of addicts self medicating... that the root of their addiction gets lost... PAIN... how insidious of  reminder of imperfection you are.. 
There are all types of pain  Physical Pain .. emotional pain... etc..
Physical pain .. can be so destroying and bossy...   living with chronic pain as I have over the past 16 years... as been a lesson in self preservation to say the least..   I try not to complain to much.. but there are times like last night when I cry myself to sleep... because.. the other option .. eating myself into oblivion is kind of reckless and pointless.. at least with crying there is a release...  the last 24 hours have really been tough... its not that the pain is breath taking or anything.. it is just new pain... something I did not notice before but which might have been hidden under other pain..  the left shoulder blade over all seems to feel better.. but the left side of my neck and shoulder from joint to neck.. is  horrible... its like rolling muscle spasms .. literally bringing tears to my eyes... Yeah I know call the doctor see what he can do...  the same drill different day.... have my call in.. I doubt much can be done until we see what the block has done and that can take up to two weeks to really know the effect of the medication.. its a big catch 22 with me... we fix one thing and then something else hurts... sigh...

Pain can also be emotional... via trauma of a bad incident ... I visited this weekend with  good friends who had just lost their dad...

that is the hardest to me... especially the pain caused by the loss of a loved on...
 I often think to myself I wish people had told me  things... like what to expect.... or how I might or might not feel... etc...  Yet I guess in the long run.. it is an experience we each feel on our own in our own unique ways...

I wish someone had warned me about the anger outbursts...   or the sudden crying jags... over seemingly silly things..
or the quietness...  having lost both my parents... sometimes the silence they have left behind is overwhelming.. even years later... My father has been gone 13 years   November 9th 2014  my mother 7 years  July 15 2015..   A lot of time and space .. has occurred... I sometimes long to hear their voices... and sometimes I am not sure what those voices even sounded like... I will occasionally click on a video I have stored just so I can hear them speak and be reminded of what was lost..  I still see things or do things that remind me of them...  they are eternally with me ... and are never forgotten..  it is amazing how sometimes it seems like it was just yesterday I lost them...  not the days and the years  that have gone by so fast..    The harder things are the questions that were left unanswered ..... and the silence..  

If someone where to ask me.. I would say .. just feel what you feel.. if you are mad be mad.... if you are sad be sad...    accept that each day is different now....  
Create new holiday traditions...
Realize that all firsts are going to be new  and might be kind  of hard... but it does get easier....
time helps with that...

As far as the physical pain goes ... hopefully we can get this mastered a bit.. 


As for my friends who must now  find their way ... I wish them peace...   I wish them strength...  They have to learn how to help their mom too.. She is beginning a whole new chapter she has to figure out...a day at a time...

I wish them all ...  I wish us all well...

THE VOICES IN OUR HEAD

 YOU KNOW THEM.... WE ALL HAVE THEM..  the one that tells us how imperfect we are... the one that criticizes us worse than anyone else could ever do...  the one that says we are not worthy or worthwhile...  the one voice we should ban from existence.... hangs out in the recesses of our minds.. always... Some of us are good at keeping it locked down... Some do battle with it constantly.. to the point of being overwhelmed..

 I am not talking schizophrenia  type voices.. I am talking the voices.. of the past.. the voices of the present that stay with us... telling us.. how  we behaved.. or what we did... or did not do... or should have done at the time..  

It is hard to filter out the negative voices.. even more so if someone has a penchant for pointing out our every fault and weakness... for making us feel "less than".. as opposed to "more than".. Their dialogue can often times become our dialogue.. the silent one.. that sits in our head.... and screams the obscenities that we have heard about ourselves.. the not good...  the deep and dark... 

So how do you go about getting past that... How do you  put those voices.. the very negative ones.. out of business???    well.. I am still working on that..   I do not hear them as often... and that comes with it's own set of consequences... because I am not whipping and beating myself with the proverbial whip of the weight loss task master... and  denying myself everything I have gained some of my weight back... I am working on finding the happy medium.. where I understand moderation and portion control... and understand fully that a holiday is a good thing to be enjoyed.. but a holiday is a day... not 2 days.. not 12 days .. not months or years.... just a treat.. and then its gone...

Eating healthy  is a choice...  eating not so healthy is a choice... 
 sometimes its a matter of which voice wins...  
 Sometimes its simply a matter of habit and craving...
 I love those habit and craving days... where I eat healthy .. and drink lots of water.. and know I am doing good for me....

I also am learning not to fear... a day when I might have a piece of birthday cake.. or have an indulgent meal.. it really takes a way from a celebration when those voices.. tell me how terrible I am and what a failure I am .   The truth is .. I am human.. we are all are just that... HUMAN... 
My doctor  ( obgyn) last week said.. that he is of the belief .. everything in moderation.. with a holiday here or there.... just not a holiday every day ...   I liked that.. he also believes in tracking your food with an app ... such as Myfitnesspal.  he said it just lets you know what you are doing... which is a good thing...  He also had recently attended an obesity symposium .. and they discussed how a person... drops a great amount of weight.. like me... over 50 pounds in a short amount of time and then goes off their program.. ( like me ) .. gains a bit back ( like me) .. maintains that weight ( like me) .. and does one of two things.. starts dropping again  ( I am trying) .. or starts gaining ( God forbid) ..  hence why the apps are good for people like me to track what is going in .. I like the fact that my doctor gets out there... and keeps up  to date on obesity issues even though that's not his primary field of interest.

I started really thinking about things.. and about those voices we use to rate our self worth.. I started thinking about the  internal struggles we create instead of simply living.. .and living with in moderation.. moderation means portion control.. it means .. living life .. enjoying things.. indulging every so often and not always feeling like a failure.. it means challenging ourselves to be healthy... and make better choices the majority of the time.

 A friend of mine pointed out something to me recently .. she said.. when she loses a lot of weight people are so excited for her.. and compliment her... but if she gains some back.. people just stare at her... ( I can relate to that) ... they don't say anything... I guess because they are not sure what to say.. lets face it.. this journey we are on.. is for keeps.. its a life time adventure... if we slide back a little after a lot of success I guess folks either shake their heads and say " that figures"  or " I knew they would not stick with it"  they forget the facet of being human.... which simply entails.. we have our good days and our not so good days.. the object of which is to have far more good days.. ...

 I think we also get caught in diet brain.. you know..where you say I am going on a diet ( me)  .. then you are religious to that program.. and  it is like the end of the world should you  go off of said program. ( me) .  after all you are focused and want to get those pounds off..   and then .. the usual happens.. diet brain .. decides to leave.. and you get back in your old mode of life...  I wonder if we eliminated diet brain and just adopted in moderation brain..( I think it would)  would things be better ??.. for us..  .. still working  on that one.. its hard to change 52 years of thought..  ( technically 41 years of thought as I was 10 when I went on my first "diet" )
 
I think "in moderation" brain  would help the voices.. be quiet.. because the guilt associated with the action would evaporate...  hmm something to think about I guess..

There are those with those 'voices" that have a far deeper struggle... voices that tell them when and how to do things.. voices that give that direction in specifically what order things must be done.. I am talking about the OCD mind...  those voices are far more difficult to remedy than  the voices I am talking about  in my world..  Our voices are just remnants  of bad choices.. and they can be controlled when the right choices are in place... ours are mostly habit oriented and confidence oriented... The OCD struggle is far deeper and complicated.. I know... I have seen the fall out from someone fighting that extremely unfair battle...   makes my inner voices pale in comparison.. 

So what is the take away from all I have said..???

Patience... choices...  ignoring the negative.. moderation..  a positive out look.. even when that seems impossible to do..  

We are all fighters in our own private battles..    and the only way we are failures... is if we quit standing back up and trying...

Have a great week !

SHANA TOVA 5775

AND  so we are here again.. another Rosh Hashanah.. another Jewish New Year.... the High Holiday of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are quickly making their annual appearance..

Rosh Hashanah the  Jewish New Year

Yom Kippur the day of Atonement ... It is between these two dates that one asks for forgiveness over the past year ...

IF I have offended or hurt you in any way .. I ask for your forgiveness..

At this time we reflect over the past year.. and think of  things we might have done differently ...  We also look forward to that new beginning as the seasons change.. Summer finally waning ... and the sweet crispness of fall.. slipping into view.. .. I love this time of year... Fall has always been my favorite season...

As I look back on this past year.. I think of those we have lost... I think of those who struggle with illness... I think of the new lives that have blessed us .. and I think how quickly seasons turn and time moves... I don't know if that's just a sign of getting older or if time really does move that fast....

I think if we fill our hours with good things.. good work... good thoughts... and do our best to remain positive regardless of whatever is thrown our way... it makes life smoother and in a sense makes life seem faster..

Being positive even when things are hard... is not an easy thing to do... when you are trying to achieve goals and they seem miles away from you... its very frustrating ... but a I can attitude sure beats a I can't attitude....   that's my motto for the new year...   A I CAN ATTITUDE ...

I WISH EVERYONE... JEWISH.. NOT JEWISH.. WHOEVER .. WHERE EVER YOU ARE...  peace... good thoughts... belief in your self that all things are possible...  Forgiveness for yourself... and Faith... that the road you travel this upcoming year.. yields to you and takes you on great adventures.....  may 5775 be a very  very good year for us all..

WORST ARTICE I EVER READ... AND AWESOME HELPFUL TOOLS..TO BUILD A BETTER YOU

WORST ARTICLE I EVER EVER READ...    NOT EVEN GOING TO SHARE IT ... BUT I WILL TALK ABOUT IT!!!!!!


I read an article today that being Gay  ... and being Obese are choices that people make...

sigh......

So lets start with the obvious ...

IF one is obese... they get to that point several ways..

it could be genetic  ( thyroid disorder ) .. it could be medical... due to medication such as  prednisone ...

it could be do the wiring in their brain that does not know when to say the body is satisfied..

it could be environmental... growing up in a home where most of the family is obese..  and healthy choices are not offered readily...

it could be a choice in that .. that really do not care how they look or about their health .. and just enjoyed eating..

it could be depression , coping or abuse issues..

So there are several factors that play in to that .....  My issues where depression and portion control...

I like many others have decided to gain control... this is a constant battle we wage with in ourselves... it has to be monitored and maintained on a daily basis by finding tools that work.. for the individual..

Being Obese is not a really a choice... unless someone just does not give a damn...

Being gay ... ( rolling eyes) ... No this is not a choice... yes there are loud and proud and flaunty gay folk out there.. maybe they choose to be flaunty... who knows...   but the core of being a homosexual.. is not a choice.... In  my mind I seriously doubt someone says... OHHH so I think I will be gay .. boy will that make my life easy peasey ... in the same way a person who struggles with weight does not wake up and say... .Man I think it would be a rock solid idea to weigh 350 pounds.. .that would be awesome to struggle with mobility .. etc.... No I don't think that's much of a choice issue for either person..

I am of the belief that ... a person who is gay.. is simply born that way .. that is how their brains are wired...

A person in MOST cases can manage weight control...  unless there is a medical reason why they are obese.. even then there are options that can be done to help them.. if they want that help ...

A person who is gay... can choose to live a straight life...  but in the end.. all they will have accomplished more than anything is lying to themselves.. and not being the gifted beautiful person that they were intended to be by being authentic to who they are... 

To me... the greatest struggle is being your authentic self... it seems in the shift of humanity we struggle to fit molds and ideals of who we are...or who we thing we  are suppose to be...   correcting a flaw is one thing... managing obesity is one thing... being gay is not a flaw to be corrected... nor does it need to be managed.. it simply is...

No one will die from being   BORN gay ..  

However one can die from being  obese... it can shorten your life span .. it can take so much away from you...  and in most cases ... when desire is strong it can be reversed and managed...

Being gay does not need to be reversed or managed...  it simply just needs to be another facet of humanity ... for that is simply all it is..

I found it shockingly laughable that the author of this article tried to compare obesity and being gay... it as absolutely absurd... 

there are no comparisons ....


NEW TOOLS

MISFIT SHINE


SPIDER MED POSTURE TRAINER

NEED VS. WANT or.. THE DONUT VS THE APPLE...

There is so much I want....  I want a healthier body and a stronger body....  I need that...
I have worked hard over the past year to get stronger TO LOSE OVER 40 POUNDS..  I know it had been over 50.. shit happens... no other excuse...

I have run into the proverbial brick WALL ...  MYSELF...  I have not given up.... I won't ever do that... but like all people I too  slip... I slip on that slope .. of WHY CAN'T I .... and  I WANT ....  sometimes I simply do not want to feel trapped by what I eat.. I don't want to log it.. I don't want to keep track of it.. and I don't want to have to think about it... but the reality .. is that... I have to... I WILL ALWAYS HAVE TO...  I just did not get the gene that some people get that allows them a love affair with food with no consequence.. or at least no caring ...   I did not get  the gene that would make me 6+ feet either... standing only 4 ft 11 inches tall... I have to be careful...

I have to  know when to let the donut go and let the apple win.... I have to realize that the natural is far better than the processed.. Number 1 .. I am satisfied... and full.. and comfortable... I have given my body proper fuel... and quieted the growl in my belly...  if I had eaten the donut.. I would have eaten it too fast ... too fast to taste it.. or enjoy it... the sugars would break down in my body ... the fat would get stored in my body... and all I would have left is the gummy after taste of defeat.. and disappointment in myself...  

 A donut is simply not a donut.... its   A STEP IN THE WRONG DIRECTION... it won't do anything for me... but the APPLE fills a need... it satisfies a sweet craving... its crunchy and takes time to savor ... and it fills me up.. the Donut would not have done any of that... but is it really wrong to have donut????... no... not if it is really what YOU want... but the fact is.. it can never be what I need.

NUTURE...  SATISFACTION... GOOD FUEL...   THAT IS WHAT I NEED..

  I am far from perfect.. yesterday we shared some Indian food Chicken Biryani .. one of my favorite dishes.. loaded with basmati rice ( carbs) chunks of chicken .. intoxicating spices... and delightful... I justified that by making it my main meal of the day... I still over indulged... but at least it stayed with me the better part of the day...

Every day I have to think WANT VS NEED.. THE DONUT VS THE APPLE..  I have to think this way... there is no escape... 

I admire people that get healthy , keep their weight off.. and are absolutely barbaric about their exercise and staying thin... I think that's amazing... ... I am not one of those.. I have had to learn... I have to battle my own way .. in my own time.. with my own tools...

I have had people say to me .. be careful ... you don't want to gain your weight back.....  really???  ya think????   
Or how is your eating going.... are you suppose to be eating that??...   or how is the weight loss going??/ are you staying on your program...  ??/ now I realize there is no ill intent in asking me these questions.. but sometimes .. if I have not done the right thing or made  the best choice... I feel like a child that's been caught doing something naughty when I hear  these remarks...  .. I feel trapped... and a deep need to want to not only escape the conversation but escape the situation as well..    Perhaps a lot of it is my doing by sharing this experience publically ... because I wanted the accountability and I was hoping to maybe just help one person like me .. along the way.... .. but I also don't want to feel like a scolded child... or feel like I have been caught with my hand in the proverbial cookie jar... I think it is why  A lot of weight loss bloggers disappear when they hit a hard point.. they get embarrassed .. and are no longer sure what to say ... 
I have always said this is my war... my fight.. and with all the love and support I receive I will keep conquering the mountains.. and enjoying the valleys... it is simply accepting that this is for life and that there is no end .. that kinda gets me shaky from time to time...

THE DONUT .. VS THE APPLE...
THE APPLE RULES...

LOVE THIS : SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT ON THIS ROAD TO GOOD HEALTH.. Emotional Eaters: 3 Ways to Regain Confidence and Lose Weight

Emotional Eaters: 3 Ways to Regain Confidence and Lose Weight