BEAUTIFUL and RANDOM..

I HAVE NEVER BEEN BEAUTIFUL... granted your eyes won't melt when you look at me...you won't run screaming from the room or anything.... I  but I have never felt BEAUTIFUL...  and that is okay...  I am lacking the shopping gene... but I am also okay with that too... I listen to women I consider beautiful and I am amazed at how actually messed up they are on the inside... I am thankful I do not have that angst to deal with ... 
Always worried about fitting in a certain size, worried if their face does not look a certain way... or the grey is showing....
I have grey all around my face now... and it blends nicely with the natural color of my hair..  sure I cringe  at the  wrinkles that furrow my brow... but I guess I have earned them... I don't strive for perfection just the best that I can be...  make no mistake I care how I look..  I just do not let it rule my life... 

I people watch  all the time... I watch how thin people eat... ( I stalk thin people LOL) .. 
I also listen to people tell me their weight loss stories... 

An experience from yesterday :

At my appointment I chatted with a nurse seems she had gastric bypass surgery in 2009  she had lost 100 pounds... now she has gained back 40.. she blames it on the regular Cokes ... because like she said she only can eat a half of a whopper jr.... WTF???? excuse my language but did anyone read what I just typed.... she is a darling lady and I am sure she has to have some type of smarts to be a nurse.. but did she really just tell me that... ?? totally crazy... I mean if you are going to put your body through a surgery to help you lose weight ... aren't you going to feed/fuel yourself properly  to stay healthy???  she also had a heartache 1 year later at her lowest weight both parents have had heart surgeries... Seems to me after a heart attack I would be a SAINT... she told me she is addicted to COKE to clarify .. the DRINK... .. I suggested switching to diet coke,  she said she would rather drink water or tea... myself and another nurse said good that's a even better choice... I just do not get why do that to yourself if you are not going to fix it.. Look I am no saint I have a long way to go... but.. I am not doing this for fun... I am doing this to get somewhere...I really felt bad for her... but I just do not understand the logic... in my mind if I had had that surgery .. I would have had a small salad and a grilled chicken or something.. whatever amount I could eat... that's healthy fuel... a whopper jr... even half of one is carb city... and its not even really good tasty carbs.. I mean if you are gonna eat that way make it pizza lol.. .make it something rich and eye rolling  hahaha... sigh.....

There is so much I do not understand when it comes to the decisions people make..

I told you I thin people stalk... I also fat people stalk... I watch them... like watched myself... like I watch myself... and I wonder do they ever desire to change... or are they content having to use the scooter at the store... toddling along instead of walking one foot in front of the other... struggling to breath... maybe even using oxygen to help.. 

Its nice when you realize you can change... and life can get better... I dont want to tell you all the ways life changes.... its an individual thing .. something you need to learn for yourself... 

I don't think I will ever see myself as beautiful... I will however simply enjoy being me..