THE WEIGHT OF THINKING

Make no mistake I love my life..I could not ask for a more perfect husband...and delightful unobstructed  life..

Sometimes I invision myself as a healthy normal weight person and I wonder had that been my lot..what would my life have been like?   Would I still be the person I am?  Would I still live here??? Would I be famous for something?? Would I be happy?? Or just another middle age woman struggling to find her place still in a world of abject perfection?? Would I have married younger??? Would I have married at a reasonable age??? Would I be a mom? What would have been different??? Wellll since we do not live in parallel universes I can't pop my head through a worm hole and peek at a different life...but I do wonder had I not traveled this road what road would I have discovered...

I like the road I am now.. It's nice to be over 50 and still be so self aware of change and still enjoy discovering new things about myself... Like I actually have hip bones..and a collar bone...and real knees...I have a chin..not twelve of them... Nearly 30 pounds later I am still on discovery mode...while 44 pounds are still left to climb and pull through its nice to know I am still me, As I discover my physical self..

While I am still not good at Shopping I am enjoying the changes...

Along with that change I am also discovering that working on my life has a cost in what people think of me.. Some people  think I am not paying enough attention to them...that I am too self involved.. That I am too caught up in my life and not doing right by others..I can not control others opinions of me.. I can only control my thoughts ..my hopes...my life.. Perhaps with weight loss comes a certain amount of selfishness..people are used to the fat me..and the old availability always ready for their life but forgetting mine...Maybe this new found selfishness is wrong .. I don't know?? Maybe it is the key to better health... If I had lived a thin life would I have been more selfish along the way??? How would people have looked at me then????

I don't know.. no worm hole...

Make no mistake.. I love my life but I am also discovering that change has many loops and turns....