Wednesday, November 19, 2014

JUST HOW IT IS FOR NOW..

Still alive and fighting... As most of you know I had little to no success with the epidural block for my 
neck...during the last 5 months i have had a 20 pound weight gain.. Due to little to no ability to exercise due to pain .. The second shot set off new pain.. Its been tough and my eating has been anything but stellar   A vicious Circle .. 
But i  am here alive and working on revamping and taking care of myself.. I will not  gain the rest of it back and i am still nearly 30 pounds ahead .. Time to get busy.. I started making use of my galaxy 5 health apps... For logging   Food and walking ..i also am using my fitness pal a little ... I like my phones better... It is a little different..  

Monday, November 3, 2014

THE THINGS I WISH PEOPLE HAD TOLD ME.... PAIN AND HEALING..

 I GUESS .. every journey REALLY must be self taught... each of us as unique individuals experiences life on our own terms..  so perhaps its is foolish to want others to give you an idea of what to expect ...

PAIN...  we hear so many stories of addicts self medicating... that the root of their addiction gets lost... PAIN... how insidious of  reminder of imperfection you are.. 
There are all types of pain  Physical Pain .. emotional pain... etc..
Physical pain .. can be so destroying and bossy...   living with chronic pain as I have over the past 16 years... as been a lesson in self preservation to say the least..   I try not to complain to much.. but there are times like last night when I cry myself to sleep... because.. the other option .. eating myself into oblivion is kind of reckless and pointless.. at least with crying there is a release...  the last 24 hours have really been tough... its not that the pain is breath taking or anything.. it is just new pain... something I did not notice before but which might have been hidden under other pain..  the left shoulder blade over all seems to feel better.. but the left side of my neck and shoulder from joint to neck.. is  horrible... its like rolling muscle spasms .. literally bringing tears to my eyes... Yeah I know call the doctor see what he can do...  the same drill different day.... have my call in.. I doubt much can be done until we see what the block has done and that can take up to two weeks to really know the effect of the medication.. its a big catch 22 with me... we fix one thing and then something else hurts... sigh...

Pain can also be emotional... via trauma of a bad incident ... I visited this weekend with  good friends who had just lost their dad...

that is the hardest to me... especially the pain caused by the loss of a loved on...
 I often think to myself I wish people had told me  things... like what to expect.... or how I might or might not feel... etc...  Yet I guess in the long run.. it is an experience we each feel on our own in our own unique ways...

I wish someone had warned me about the anger outbursts...   or the sudden crying jags... over seemingly silly things..
or the quietness...  having lost both my parents... sometimes the silence they have left behind is overwhelming.. even years later... My father has been gone 13 years   November 9th 2014  my mother 7 years  July 15 2015..   A lot of time and space .. has occurred... I sometimes long to hear their voices... and sometimes I am not sure what those voices even sounded like... I will occasionally click on a video I have stored just so I can hear them speak and be reminded of what was lost..  I still see things or do things that remind me of them...  they are eternally with me ... and are never forgotten..  it is amazing how sometimes it seems like it was just yesterday I lost them...  not the days and the years  that have gone by so fast..    The harder things are the questions that were left unanswered ..... and the silence..  

If someone where to ask me.. I would say .. just feel what you feel.. if you are mad be mad.... if you are sad be sad...    accept that each day is different now....  
Create new holiday traditions...
Realize that all firsts are going to be new  and might be kind  of hard... but it does get easier....
time helps with that...

As far as the physical pain goes ... hopefully we can get this mastered a bit.. 


As for my friends who must now  find their way ... I wish them peace...   I wish them strength...  They have to learn how to help their mom too.. She is beginning a whole new chapter she has to figure out...a day at a time...

I wish them all ...  I wish us all well...