We greeted my husbands son In law on Friday in Mobile Al. He just arrived home that very day.. That very hour from Afghanistan ... We went to lunch at Ernie's Fish Camp.. I was a bit anxious .. In the past eating there meant eating rolls, eating fried green tomatoes and a hush puppy or 3 ... I perused the menus and ordered dry broiled Mahi Mahi and green beans... In theory that was a perfect order..
In my world as platters of other food went whirring by .. I was not happy..
The fish was tasteless. My husband ordered grilled fish stuffed with lump crabmeat and he gave me a few bites.. It was wonderful.. I tried to concentrate on the company around me..but my eyes kept focusing on the roll that had appeared on my plate and I had moved to the side plate... I did not finish my lunch.. If food is not appealing to me now I will not eat it.. I watched as my husbands daughter asked for my roll ..I watched as my head nodded and my mouth said sure... And the anxiety washed over me ..that I did not get to eat that roll... A stupid roll.. That probably tasted better in my mind than it actually did...
Right at that moment I knew that .. These thoughts and feelings would never never leave me.. I had a flash of defeat In my heart...That raw knowledge that I would always have to deal with this...that I would always have to be making a choice...
My husband also made an observation.. He said that I am coming to a point I need to not be so severe with myself... It wasn't that he was saying eat an abundance of breads.. Eat desserts.. Etc... but he wanted me to stop feeling tortured when having to pick out food .. He wanted me to pick out something I would enjoy that was a good choice and the only thing it would lack was the sense of deprivation ... So we went out to dinner that night.. In orange beach... I ordered my favorite thing sautéed crab claws... It was wonderful.. I even had the slaw..and had a bite of my husbands steak.. I had eaten very little at lunch .. Ate my MF meals through out the day and enjoyed my dinner. I did eat extra protein..and was concerned about the scale .. I maintained my weight this week.. Normally I weigh on Monday but I was curious so I weighed today...and am slowly learning that the definition of Normal is changing for me..that I can make good decisions with out sense of deprivation .. I know there was a lot of food focusing done on Friday..yet I also know that this learning process will take time.
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