THE CONVERSATION ON A ROUGH DAY

IT IS A RAW PAIN DAY ! 
she screams inside her head..   me..... tears flow... no one sees.. I am alone right now...
.. and the overwhelmingness of it all .....just the physical pain.. makes me think.....

Today is one of those days...  
 I can promise you at some point today it will rain or storm probably very hard... somewhere close by... I know... the saying I feel it in my bones.... well  I feel it in my skin... tendons,  muscles ... nerves... hair... every cell that makes me up... I feel it..
Today is just a really " I want to lay in bed and cry day and feel really sorry for myself day..."   but you will not see that...

You will see .. a smile on my face... me heading to the gym... me swimming for 30 minutes ( doing my pool exercises) .. followed by 10 minutes in the hot tub.. begging ..
Praying for a sense of relief.. just some relief so I can breath... with out tears in my eyes... with out this  wracking ache in my body.. that reminds me that fibromyalgia is punching me out...
 
The thing is... I can not let it win.. for if I do... I give up everything I have worked so hard for since July 8th...  I surrender ... surrendering means eating... finding solace in food.. surrendering means going back to old habits.. that give false relief.. 

OKAY HONI STOP CRYING YOU HAVE CONTACTS IN AND CONTACTS AND CRYING DO NOT GO HAND IN HAND... NOW YOUR EYES WILL HURT.. SO STOP IT... SUCK IT UP.. AND   GO SWIM... !!!!!

False relief.. the taste of sugar or salt on my tongue.. the combined seduction of both..  salty sweet.. sweet salty... Bread.. thick yeasty bread...   ice cream.. cool creamy..   

 SERIOUSLY?????   YOU REALLY THINK THAT THAT IS GOING TO SOLVE THIS...???  WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU ... HAVE YOU NOT LEARNED ANYTHING???  YOU TALK THE TALK BUT ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO QUIT WALKING THE WALK... I KNOW .. .I KNOW... THE WEIGHT LOSS HAS SLOWED DOWN... PARTLY BECAUSE YOU ARE LIMITED ON YOUR EXERCISE AND PARTLY BECAUSE YOU HAVE ALREADY LOST THE BULK OF YOUR WEIGHT..  THE BODY DOES NOT DROP 53 POUNDS AND JUST KEEP ON PUTTING ALONG.. IT NEEDS TIME TO ADJUST... AND THEN THE REST WILL COME IF YOU KEEP DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING... !!!!  DON'T BE A TIRED WHINEY FOOL YOU KNOW THESE THINGS... YOU BELIEVE IN THEM... YOU CAN NOT HELP OTHERS IF YOU GIVE UP AND STOP HELPING YOURSELF...

I know... I really know.. and I really do not want to surrender to old habits.. actually  .. yelling self... I really am not interested in that at all... It never actually gave me relief.. just produced a  wicked fog in my head... there was no freedom there...
I know... my body .. is better off now .. than it was back then... I know I am stronger and better .. even with the new pain...  
I never thought I would hurt worse than I did back then... I could not ever imagine that possibility.. but that possibility is now my reality.... and the question is...

WHO WINS????
the old me...
or
this me... 

The me that has stayed hidden..
 hidden behind  food and fear  .. and she .. me .. well
I am not an hidden anymore...

I really do not want food to fix this..

It has taken me 51 years to learn it will not fix  the pain... any pain...  physical or old boxed up emotional hurt.. 

Let's peek into the box:

If only you  lost weight then this would not be your reality ....
The pain of not  being in " the group" growing up
The pain of not having a boyfriend   in those angsty  teen years...
The pain of being invisible to most people
The pain of people thinking I was a weird bird..
The pain of not being pretty
Or right... or smart... 
The pain of constantly being a disappointment to my parents..
The pain of knowing I was a disappointment to my parents..  they would never say those words.. but  I knew... I was the 'difficult child"  the child with issues... the fat kid...the kid with learning issues as well... what  a great  combo that was... lol..
The pain of knowing I was never the pretty one.. ( Honi if you would just lose the weight.. life would be easier .. I heard that one countless times....)
I was however the Fat one... ( so I held one distinction)
The pain of always thinking if only I was thin if only I was pretty... if only someone understood me...
The pain of the barking boys at the high school doors before I left for boarding school..

ACK !!! LET'S  BOX THAT BACK UP...

let's look in the other box...

The  realization that I was someone..  (at boarding school)
that I was worthy of  good friends... no judgment
that I fit in more or less... that my weight really was not an issue there...
that I grew... that I forgave
that I started to come into my own...
There were set backs along the way..
the food issues were still there but the binging stopped as a young adult..
I tried to fix it..
with many programs..
 but I never succeeded completely in  coming to terms with my past... until I was able to box it up ... and just put it away.. we never lose our  pasts entirely ..

they form who we eventually become... and in a odd way I am grateful for my past...

I am blessed now... that path I walked .. way back when .. led me to where I am now... I know that..

Nearly two years ago:

When my husband was diagnosed with diabetes ..
I watched him change...
It made me feel worse about myself.. he could do it... and me...  well ... I was just sitting there watching... watching things change.. and not being a part of it...
 because I was so used to using food for everything... instead of just as it is... FOOD...

As I have said many times..  

The NEW ME...  came about because of  a tiny conversation..
and the hope that the pain would subside if I released the weight from my body... if I let all the "hiding" and 'fixing" go...

The pain ... well it decided to get worse..

and then the question became... 

 not  am I worthy..

But who  ...

WHO AM I?

Am I a quitter that gives in... ???

or am I a

FIGHTER THAT WINS..

I like the last one..
I am A FIGHTER THAT WINS... 
no matter how bad the pain is... 
 I might talk about it a little...
no matter how much it tries to strangle the life out of me....

 IT WILL NOT WIN..

It can not win..

I have come too far...
I own my body ..
and I take my freedom ... from the old..
and I embrace the new..

NOW SHUT UP HONI.. AND GO TO THE POOL...