True, he was not actually a friend of mine... yet for the past 40 or so years of my life he has been around.. If I needed a good laugh... or a bit of movie clarity ... he was as close as the switch of a channel.. or nowadays the tap of the Ipad.
I debated for days to share this side of me... to put it out there... I was not really worried about being judged as I was well...... being judged ( lol) ..
So I am just going to lay it out there...
I have dealt with depression since I was 15 .. at that time. it was random .. wrapped up in the usual teenage angst.. but deeper for me at least... I was not a typical teen nor did I have many friends... ( at least until I went away to boarding school) .. I was the kid that was barked at when she was let off at the local high school.. eventually I asked my dad to start bringing me earlier so I could sneak in and do my best to be invisible.. I was very good at being invisible so good during the one year I was at this high school I could easily leave the campus and no one would ever miss me.. ( nor did I really care because 2 months into the year I knew I was leaving and I would have to repeat 10th grade ( that was just so I could get into the school) for some reason several of the seniors at this local school took pity on me and would help me escape ... that was pretty much my local school history ( there were a few other kids in the mix that were nice but we really were not friends) from K-10 here.. not really many friends... was great at being invisible... for the most part.. on those occasions where I was not so invisible I dealt with the obnoxious bullies.. never fighting back but wanting too... I remember one of those boys throwing a rock at my head ... I remember the group of girls in grammar school splattering my new white button down shirt with ink.. while we stood in carpool to go home that day... I remember that same girl tripping me in the gym and the marks on my face and arms and legs from the rubber gym floor.. I have pretty much healed from those days... how else do you survive ? You have to find a way to heal.. and healing does not mean forgetting...I had a couple friends .. 3 to be exact... there... and then....
I was glad when I left here and went away for 3 years... I knew it could not get any worse... and I was RIGHT .. my grades showed who I really was... ( I went from being a F and I student to be a A B student.. still made Cs in math.. but I struggled) ... I also made friends.. which at 16 years old was amazing... because of FB many of those friends and I have reconnected and what a joy that has been .. When my parents made the decision to send me away I was so relieved..
I came home and adjustment was hard.. I felt extremely alone.. no matter who I was with.. this progressed through out my 20s... I struggled as always with my weight too.. I also watched one of my sisters battle with illness.. there is a lot of detail I am not including.. but the waves of depression that haunted me in my teens came back and put me back into therapy... to reign the story in .. because it does get dark... and during one of those very dark times.. I remember calling the local crisis center... the first time... the line was busy... the second time.. they answered and put me on eternal hold.. the third time I called... no one answered ... oddly for me .. that was a sign to laugh.. and to fight..and not give up... when I have mentioned this story before people have said to me.. wow.. that would have pushed me over the edge.. for me .. for some reason it did not... it made me stop and reflect.. and think that there would be a morning.. and I would wake up ..
In my late 30s a Gyn I was seeing at the time.. who I credit with changing my life... believed that antidepressants where not the answer for me.. as none every seemed to do more than turn me into a zombie She believed that my depression was hormonal and had been for the past nearly 20 years. She put me on a specific birth control pill that I would take non stop.. no break .. I have taken that tiny pill since I was 38 .. and seldom have any issues now.. even with my fibro and chronic pain.. She was right... The time is coming soon that I will have to go off this little pill but my new doctor has assured me we will find something that will help take the place of what I am currently taking.. I am not looking forward to the change over..
I share this with you because in some small very tiny way... I understand where Robin Williams was at... I understand the darkness and not being able to find the light.. I understand wanting to just be free... forgetting those that love or admire you .. I understand how he could let go...
My depression was for the most part resolved through hormonal treatment.. I believe that depression is not just a mental disease but a physical one as well.. Sometimes it responds well to treatment like mine did.. Sometimes.. like a cancer can .. it eventually encompasses the body.. and the only choice that the one who suffers can make.. is to simply be brave ( and it takes bravery not being a coward) and end that life... or let go.
I have seen so many people weigh in with their thoughts about suicide and depression but until you actually know the torment ... and understand the places it can take you... you have no idea what it is like or the vast amount of strength it takes to survive each day...
The only comfort from his suicide I can find is that he is at peace now... and he can rest... and rest well.. he certainly has earned it.
As for me.. I count my blessings every day .. and thank God for the people who love and support me as I continue on a path of being healthier and stronger.
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